Building my confidence

I'm not sure how I got here, but I realized tonight that I'm quite scared about this labor and about being able to manage three beautiful children. It wouldn't surprise me at all to one day to hear God say, "Dear One, I kept sending you into labor, but you weren't ready."

I think there was a time in my life where there was no doubt in my mind that I could deliver this baby the way I want, the way I know I'm capable of doing. But maybe it was the concern over the oldest two and my ability to get them safely to someone who could care for them in my absence, or maybe it was concern over whether Michael could get to me quickly enough. Or maybe it was my concern over getting EVERYTHING ready prior to his arrival. Maybe it's my concern about being able to continue the norms of the older two while nurturing the precious babe that's in my womb. Maybe it wasn't of those things, maybe it's been all of it that has undermined confidence.

Whatever "it" is, I'm releasing it tonight. I am SURROUNDED by my Creator: the ONE who supplies strength in my times of weakness, the ONE who provides comfort in my time of discomfort, the ONE who provides love in my times of loneliness. He does this miraculously by surrounding me with friends and family that WANT desperately to pitch in and help, and by giving me the most wonderful life partner in the world, who wants nothing more than to see me succeed and will bend over backwards to make that happen.

So baby Luke, precious one, Mama's heart is now ready for you to come. I've had all the physical "stuff" ready for at least a month now, but now the real transition has happened...my heart is surrendered to the fact that I can't and won't do all of this myself. But don't you worry, everything's gonna be fine, dear one. Our Heavenly Father is holding us both in his hands and won't let either one of us fall out of his reach.

A labor update
Yesterday I went in for my weekly checkup and when asked the question: "Is the baby moving well?" I honestly answered "No." I hadn't felt him move in about 15 hours. So, they put me on the baby monitor and monitored his heart beat. At one point during a contraction his heart beat dipped a bit. Then they did a measurement of my amniotic fluid and it was at the cutoff mark for being "OK". So, between those three things the midwives sent me to the hospital to be induced as I was 40 weeks on Wednesday. This was certainly NOT my #1 choice for a labor plan, but Luke's safety comes first, obviously. But by the time I got into a L&D room I'd been having fairly regular contractions for 2 hours, so not only was there no need to induce me it was too late...we all thought I was in labor. YEAH! BUT by 8:30 last night the contractions had virtually stopped.

We decided at that point to do a 1L saline drip to maybe bolster the amniotic fluid in hopes that I could go home today to rest and maybe go into labor again on my own. This morning they did an additional monitoring of his health called a biophysical profile (BPP). It includes measuring the AF (it was up to 5.6...not all that much of a bump since they had given me another 1L bag of saline this morning), and measuring his "reflexive" movements (purposeful movements: open and closing his hands, flexing his neck, kicking, etc) and "fetal breathing" which is where he "practices" breathing...this was amazing to see is ribs expand and contract.

Since he passed the non-stress test (all the heart rate monitoring) and the BPP, and with my promise that I will rest from now on, and that I wouldn't hesitate to come back if I "think" I might be in labor and with an appointment to come back in Saturday morning for another non-stress test, they let me come home this morning. There are more plans for me over the weekend, but they're all assuming that things don't progress into labor on my own. So, for now, we'll take in one step at a time.

Speaking of my first promise, I'm off to lay down. I think that catches you all up on where we are.